Naturally, there’s some truth to the male typecast, we do seem to be somewhat driven by an overwhelming urge to explore areas of uncharted underwear, but that’s not all there is to us. If we step back and really think about it, there are some other things we really want from the women we’re dating.
1. WE WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS AFTER SEX. Sex is great, but it only lasts so long, and then what? What’s left when we’re both naked without an escape route? It all comes down to the ability to hold a decent conversation. You can have all the best sex in the world but that’s essentially like playing with colorful putty—loads of fun, but it won’t hold a relationship together.
2. WE WANT TO BE THAT SPECIAL VERSION OF OURSELVES AROUND YOU.We all have various sides to our personalities depending on our company. Are you the same person around your friends and your mom and the police? I don’t think so. The same goes for relationships. We all want to be with the person who brings out that special slice of our individuality—the goofy side; the witty side; the most comfortable side; the best side.
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4. WE WANT YOU TO BE BETTER THAN ALL OF OUR FRIENDS’ GIRLFRIENDS.Everything is a competition. Everything. The envy of others keeps us strong. I like to feel sorry for my friends who are currently stuck in miserable relationships because it gives me an enormous feeling of superiority and I’m a terrible person. Most of us guys, whether or not we want to admit it, are exactly the same.
5. WE WANT TIME APART.This is not to say that men specifically need time apart from women, but rather that everyone needs an occasional break from, well, everyone else. When a woman has her own life with her own social circle and isn’t dependent on us for entertainment, that is a very attractive quality. Just remember that couple time is like sunbathing: it’s enjoyable, it’s healthy, but it’s also dangerous in excess. You can get burned, and getting burned is super annoying.
6. WE WANT YOU TO BELIEVE THAT OUR IDEAS ARE SPECIAL.We all have stupid ambitions and grand plans. I want to become a multi-millionaire, featured on the cover of every magazine, riding in limos with a pet miniature pig who follows me around wherever I go. Such thoughts can drive a person crazy, which is why everyone needs a mind outside of their mind to unload their grandiose ideas of self-importance. It’d be great if you could be that for us, feigning interest if necessary. You should at least be nodding when we say that we’re totally gonna make it big one day. Hey, we might!
7. WE WANT YOU TO GET ALONG WITH OUR FRIENDS.Heaven forbid, but if our relationship ends, there are those people who will catch us when we fall because they’ve always been there. These are the true friends, a force more powerful than anything in the world, and if you hate them, then this love agreement between us is going to have some tense times. I’ll totally sneak off to play with them when you’re not looking.
8. WE WANT IT TO BE DIFFICULT TO SLEEP WITH YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME.Contrary to popular belief, sometimes sex is actually the last thing men want even if we don’t always know it. Certainly getting laid is the end goal of anyone’s initial pursuit of passion, but it’s no fun if we reach the final hurdle in record time. If the chase is lengthy, the end result is not only much more rewarding, but we’ll also appreciate and respect you for it in the long run.
9. WE WANT TO STAY THE SAME.There’s this rumor floating around the Man Camp that ladies often choose partners based on who they think they can save. How true is this stereotype? The proven answer has never been found, but here’s a little secret: we’re unsaveable. If you fall for a guy who picks his nose while playing on his Playstation all day, your interference will only breed resentment, and that’s not the solid ground required to build a firm relationship upon. Don’t be embarrassed by our sloppy fashion sense. Accept that we’ll occasionally down a beer and then burp in public as if it’s a loudness contest. Let us do what we want and we’ll never leave you.
10. WE WANT TO FEEL LIKE WE’RE THE BEST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.Look, we’re not so arrogant to actually believe that we are the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I’m pretty sure that in most of my relationships, I wasn’t even in the top 100 best things (especially since I’m single right now). Regardless, in relationships, it is nice to believe that we’re essential to your happiness, as if we’ve been sprinkling the primary magic into your day and improving everything about your entire existence. Truthfully, that’s exactly what we want to be for you. We want to be your best thing.
11. WE WANT YOU TO TELL EVERYONE THAT OUR PENISES ARE MASSIVE.I’m so sorry I’m a male. I do often feel like there’s something inherently wrong with us, but this is really true.